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[15 Sep 2009|12:47am] |
How did you get so cold.
From the fire that burned within my soul, to someone I thought I almost didn't know.
From one who gazed and would not let go.
From one who said it wasn't all for show.
From the warmth of your touch, the softness of your skin, the feeling of love aglow. Can now barely match the pain when I reach, and not even grasp your shadow.
We are now worlds apart, not just from heart to heart.
Tis the fault of this distance we know.
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[28 Aug 2009|07:22am] |
I remember it as clear as day
On hallowed ground my head would lay
Of places gone but could not stay
But I'd not hope, but only pray
That life is made, but of shades of gray
And for my own stupidity, am forced to pay.
Or so they say.
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[03 Jun 2009|11:23pm] |
NEVER think for one moment that anyone is anything but selfish.
never trust nor love anyone. they can betray you easily at the drop of a hat for someone more convincing.
never believe anyone has got your back. they dont. when the shit hits the fan, dont bother even looking over your shoulder, there wont be anyone there.
never contemplate the words that people say. anything has the possibility of being a lie. anything. there is no truth in words only action.
I distrust everyone now. Everyone. no exceptions.
Dont ask me why, I wont answer.
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[12 May 2009|11:42pm] |
Maybe its the fever eating away at my brain, but i'm not in one of my more logical states.
I would gripe and complain about how unfair this is or that is and go on and on about the absence of a higher power who might actually give a crap about me.
Absence of people too. Now that I think about it.
I'm.. not good at talking. Or saying stuff. I dunno. Nowadays i'm just afraid to say things other than the superficial, the hi and byes, or the generic "hows your day".
Maybe i'm afraid of hearing what i dont want to hear.
Why.
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[05 Apr 2009|11:53pm] |
How can someone say they care about you when they disregard your feelings?
Selfish selfish selfish people.
You would give them the world but they wont do a damn thing for you.
Forget it Alvin, forget it.
Its just bullshit.
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[08 Feb 2009|01:00am] |
Oh so assuring the fatherly hand
that brushes his baby's hair
and that hand holds now, another dear
Oh sad inadequacy
Such is the woe
of the product of a mistake
to wander and wander
and not belong
to be found and discarded
like a doll worn and past it's day
a dog that can no longer walk
or a cat thats old and grey
Oh cold loneliness
a visitor on many a dreary night
and exchanging gazes with the ceiling
a pastime not to forget
I raised my glass at Satan and mumbled
"You win"
And he smiled
tipped his glass
onto my heart's grave
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[09 Jan 2009|11:37pm] |
Its hard to measure up to others.
I dont earn that much, I am not that healthy and I dont get out much. I have very few friends and I stay at home most of the time. I get sick often recently and I dont even know why.
I cant change so much in a span of a few weeks but I can only try. I am human afterall.
I try so much. Because I want to.
Apparently, trying isnt good enough.
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[04 Oct 2007|09:41pm] |
Apparently the only way to go up in this world is stepping on corpses of those who fell trying.
Where do those of us with a conscience go?
I'm tired. So tired.
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[05 Jun 2007|05:48am] |
Funny how my memories, my most treasured memories, can be summed up by two jackets that have been draped over the chair in my room for about 2+ years now.
Always at the corner of my eye, which i try to ignore. Yet they never fail to break my heart every time I set my eyes on them.
Wore neither of them in a while. Probably a sign of running away, or a very strong desire to not remind myself of the pain that floods my mind when I see them.
You know, people tell us we deserve so much more. Some of us believe that. I never did. I always knew I was too weak-minded to achieve that which I so much wanted, that which I so much coveted.
I always ran away.
I always smiled, I think. Whenever I'm not alone, I smile. I laugh heartily. I joke insensitively, and I get that its not always funny. I get that. It's my mask, my own security blanket. I want people to not like me. That was sometimes the only assurance I would get, that because I wasn't liked, I didn't deserve anything good.
But I do. I do want to be liked so much. We all do. I'm just the one hiding from it all.
When. When do I allow myself to not smile in front of someone. To be myself in front of someone. To be me. With someone. And yet not be worried that would have them run away.
please. open my eyes. please.
i don't want to be here.
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[05 May 2007|06:01am] |
To pen my woes and sorrows
that they may take flight
like the brown leaves of autumn
unknowingly
the tree stripped bare and cold
had nothing left to hold on to
i am only as real as my pain lets me be.
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[01 Jan 2007|10:49am] |
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It's getting tiring to smile and just let it go. Giving in only means people take more and more and when you just can't give, they just get mad. I don't see a point anymore. If anyone bothers to read this heres a piece of good advice i hope. Never compromise your own happiness for the sake of anyone else's happiness. Not worth it.
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[10 Nov 2006|11:56pm] |
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Working 7 days a week 12-14 hours a day, missed 2 wedding dinners, a few family dinners and many outings with my 2 musketeers. Sometimes i dont know if its worth it or not. Tsk. Cant imagine if this were to be my permanent choice of career.
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[01 Aug 2006|03:54pm] |
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music |
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James Blunt - You're Beautiful |
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The phrase "I take it back."
No, you really can't take it back. Everything said, everything done, is ultimately etched into that point of time as part of history. From that point on, you've changed somehow, innately or otherwise, despite your incessant cries of "nothing has changed".
Everything changes, whether we like it or not, though denial helps the transition more than we can imagine. Ignorance is inherent in ourselves, although wanting to see the truth or totally disregard it is up to us.
Who likes change after all? Dwelling in our own comfort zones, wondering if something new would be something we like, or totally detest.
The intricate web of interpersonal relationships. They make you who you are today.
I wonder if i like it though. The me now i guess.
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[16 Jun 2006|03:49pm] |
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
haha ha ha haa hahaha
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[13 Jun 2006|02:17am] |
Maybe I cant express myself
I cant explain what i do or say
What i think or what i write
I'd say the fault lies in something
somewhere or someone
But I know its probably me.
Yes i'd blame me.
If I even know who I am, but I don't.
I'd say sorry if I knew you'd accept it.
and if you said I'm crazy you are probably right.
Whoever said it's never too late was an idiot.
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[30 May 2006|03:57am] |
"How absurd."
That's usually how I find myself thinking at a moment such as this, where the arabic numerals on my computer clock depict to me an hour that I can only describe as neither earthly nor unearthly.
And I'm perfectly wide awake.
Phone calls in the early morning, have successfully kept my total sleeping hours in the past 3 days to a single digit. Yet tired as I am, I toss and turn in my bed, unable to just shut my eyes and let the exhaustion overcome me.
Apparently it can only get worse, even at this time of night/day.
"I'm out of goddamn cigarettes."
Finished Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" yesterday. The kind of book I definitely like, with action, and clear descriptions from cover to cover. Not to mention he definitely got the better of me with that ending. In comparison to this aforementioned novel, "The Da Vinci Code" could be likened to that of a librarian's corpse. Lots to learn from but "dead" boring.
"I think I'd make a good hermit."
Oh well. I guess I'll just grab my wallet and keys and head on down to 7-11.
This hermit needs his cigs.
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[30 May 2006|12:07am] |
This human device
ticks slower
hanging on, just barely
feeding off what used to be
a field of hope and faith
now just a forgotten crypt
where blistered dreams lie
tried and wanting
a leech that has drained its last
The solemn hand edges
ever so silently
slowly
surely
The face, never changing
sculptured in its absence of emotion
an accurate clairvoyant
foreboding the moment this vessel
and its entirety
shall give one final shrill cry
and lapse into the welcome arms
of
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[16 Apr 2006|12:28am] |
Why remember
when memory is but a passing gesture
of courtesy
for moments fleeting
wrought with pain and anger
or tender loving smiles
leaving the heart shackled and sore
or tastefully sour
Not much of a poet i am, but i share certain truths i guess.
Let not that which existed have bearing on the existing, lest your heart fail to compromise.
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[06 Apr 2006|10:47pm] |
Have you felt life drain out of you
Like silvery threads
wispy
seep out through your porous being
to dissolve into the ghostly blue of night
to slowly release grip of mind
memories that once furnished a head of thoughts
now barren
like aging a decade a minute
decomposing
a shell that sits
and stares
and waits
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